i’ll let you decide

dear friends,

i honestly don’t know how long it’s been.  so much has happened.  a lot has changed.  not my writing style, i suppose as i continue to type in short phrases similar to how i speak.

whew!

i don’t think i had it in me to share what i’ve just experienced.  not in the moment.  in retrospect, it should make for some very enlightening words on paper but for the past six months, i’ve really just tried to hang on.

i’m glad i did.

i’ve learned so much about myself over the past many months and days.  i’ve become a better me.  i’ve realized that much of what i thought about myself was merely a pretense to help me cope.  i am better than that.  sketchy is not how i prefer to define me.  there is honor and love and loyalty and a foundation that exists beneath my feet that i failed to acknowledge for far too long.  i excused my behavior for the wrong reasons, citing my spirit instead of my pain.  i’ve done some things that i’m not proud of.  but those things don’t define me.  they define a part of me.  a piece of me that reacts to the troubling parts of life with reckless abandon in order to cope….to accept life and its many curve balls….a weakness, if i’m totally honest.

i’m a lot of things that i’ll confess and analyze in the days/months/years to come, but not tonight.  tonight is dedicated to coming back. i’ve wanted to write but i couldn’t.  i didn’t know what to write.  i haven’t been sure of what i was.

i’ve gone deep exploring who i am, what i want, how do i/should i/could i roll…..and i’ve landed.

i’m the guy you know.  i’m everything i’ve typed.  but i don’t accept that i’ll always be all of those things.  some of me is self-destructive.  some of me destroys things important to me.  destroys period.

i don’t want to be destructive.

i want to contribute.  and help.  i want to spread love and joy and the good vibe.

and going forward, that will be my effort here.  i won’t avoid pain.  i’ll forever be honest.  but my goal, which i will fail to accomplish at times, will be to take the negative and spin it for good.

we all have a choice.  i choose to be good.  i want to be proud of the man i am.  i am proud of the man i am.  but i’m not proud of everything that i’ve done.  hopefully, as i continue to live, i’ll be proud of more and expect more of me.

goodnight, friends.

i missed the keyboard.  i missed you.

i hope you’re well.

peace2u.

the toad abides

well of life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thirsty, i leaned over to drink

concerned only about the stream of cool, clear water flowing over the limestone rock shelf.

poisoned or not, it fed me now.

clenched me.

filled me where only pure water could.

sustenance.

everything.

all i could want in the now.  everything i could ask for.

cool, cold water lapped the back of my throat, so dry that it hurt.

it filled me, the pure cool water.

it saved me.

five minutes ago i wanted so much more.  hate so much.

cried for what i was.  what i had.  what i’d been given.

and now….

so thankful.

so hopeful.

with a lust for life.

hungry but not thirsty.

awake

alive

open

hungry but not thirsty.

about to do great things.  i’m sure of it.

different and ready to make a difference.

hungry.

not thirsty.

happy.

 

hey yo

hi.

it’s been some time.

 

i’ve never struggled with a lack of motivation like this, truth be told.

 

i’m an introvert.  only recently did i learn this.

but everyday since, it’s become more apparent.

 

i get juice from time alone with me and nothing else.  silence.  no decisions.  blending in to my environment.

i like to listen.  i like to show up for whatever i want whenever i want.

if i can’t make it, i hope you were expecting me.

i still want to come.

but please don’t call and ask where i’m at.

i usually won’t answer.

 

why should i?

i spend most parts of every day providing direction to others regarding some design or building question from someone.

it’s my job.

it’s what i do and i don’t resent it.

as much as i’m able.

but in my free time…….

…….i run from it.

 

what do you think?

beautiful!

but you haven’t seen the design…..

i don’t care!

you don’t care?  but i really need your opinion.

you do?  well, shit.  then take notes…..

the colors are too bold…..the walls too tight……the rents too high…..the expenses too great.

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT CAN BE IMPROVED.

 

the beauty is when i use my analytical skills to incorporate your skill for design with his skill in raising funds to put together a project that will make all of us money and make all of us proud.  my comments are critical just like yours aren’t.  i can’t make money at that cost just like you can’t rent the place using that design.  we work together to perfection.  and it’s exhausting.  but our baby is beautiful.  and valuable.  and worth everything that we put into it.  so love me, don’t push back.  let’s do this me and you.  it’s our baby.  we’ll succeed.  together.  honest and able.

nice job.  from me 2 u.

peace.

jimitoad

Hey you

I see your face through a smoke filled reality gazing up at me from farther and farther away.

Vertigo encased in spinning black and white foreshadow the death of me.

I’m at the carnival and I can’t resist the clowns overtures.

Fuck me.

Hey you.

goodbye

very interesting

life, that is.

 

every day i’m hustling.

dork.

me.  yep.  sorry.

 

everyday i’m learnin’ something new.

about people.

about life.

 

what i think is definitely not reflective of what is.

EVER.

 

not that i’m a tripping retard without a grasp of reality.

it’s just that so much happens so often in areas of life that matter so much,

i’ve grown used to not knowing exactly what’s going on.

 

and i don’t think i ever will.

not knowing what i know and knowing what i thought.

you know?

 

so, life is pretty great.

there is much to be learned.

improvement is definable and something to aspire to.

 

but i have no real complaints, and so i struggle to offer up anything as improvable.

 

cuz life is good.

and so i’m chill.

hang against the wall.

eat whatever’s offered, chill.

 

don’t disturb the peace.

 

there are consequences.  and silence is rare.

 

savor it.  and let life come.

it surely will.

 

shhhh, fuckers.

just for a minute.

pace.

(with an accent on the e).

-toad

sometimes, you just get lucky

about 2 months ago, something inside of me starting desiring a new dog.

it had happened once before.  i ended up buying Jeffrey Lebowski, an Italian Greyhound that was completely my homeboy

and everybody he met agreed that he was a very cool motherfucker.

 

jeffrey was stolen about three years ago.  lost/stolen has yet to be verified, but the signs we put up were taken down daily and he was an IG…..11 pound greyhound with a shiny, sleek coat and cuddly.  easy to adopt.  i’ll always love jeffrey.

 

but easter.  easter, easter, easter……we’re still waiting to see her real side.  the needy side.  the 2-yr old hyper puppy side.  the angry at some annoying young boys giving a full nelson hug side.  and instead.  darling, you’ve been ever so sweet.  you’ve been patient and intentional and instrumental in fostering love among man.  there is a lot to you, girl.  i can see it in your beautiful brown eyes.  not relaxed eyes.  focused eyes.  instrumental eyes.

 

we are delighted to have you, easter delk.

we promise to do what we can to make your life like ours.

to make you a member of our family.

we’ve got mad love to give.

to you, it’s free.  sister.

the devil inside

recently, i found myself the subject of a tarot card reading.

now i am not necessarily a believer in tarot, but i’m not necessarily a nonbeliever, either.  like a lot of things spiritual, i’m willing to accept the mystery that exists in some facets of this world and acknowledge the possibilities.  in either case, at this particular moment, i probably had ill considered the impact of accepting a reading right then and there.  i was alive in the moment.  there was energy in the moment.  and then…..well, then there was the presentation of a rather sobering possibility, compliments of a fellow whose name i can’t recall.

it was late, mind you, and i was sitting in a bar.  friends were scattered about, but as i moved to the table with the gentleman that had offered to read the cards i drew, i found myself alone with him and his deck of cards.

this was gonna be fun, i thought innocently surmising that i’d get a quick glimpse of my beautiful existence through the eyes of whatever it is presumed to be responsible for the power of the tarot cards….if there is presumed power……which there must be, right?

and then i pulled the devil card with my first grab from the deck and it was all downhill from there.

to be honest, the details are a bit hazy.

but there was an underlying theme.

‘you’re giving in to materialism.  you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your own lustful desires.  you could be better if you’d acknowledge your shadow.  refusing to believe in the negative parts of yourself only allow those traits to control you.

you could do better.

you can do better.’

 

the message was the same over and over again.  he kept mentioning that there were more cards to turn, but each one seemed to present the same message.

 

you can do better.  you can do better.  let go of the bullshit, dude.  you can do better.

 

in the moment, it felt like an emotional colonoscopy.  not very fucking comfortable.

i left more sober than i came in.

 

dear mr. tarot card friend i encountered in the bar in the middle of the party,

 

thank you for the sobering revelation regardless of the moment.

i’m gonna do better.

i appreciate the message and respect the presentation of the message.

muchas gracias, amigo.

 

peace2u.

jimitoad

a place where colors melt

my eyelids grew heavy in the afternoon wind

there was so much to do, but soon i gave in.

i lay on the ground, in a soft patch of grass

shaded by leaves as the afternoon passed.

sleep took me quickly, as i faded to black

then the color within, fell in line and then stacked.

the colors that make up the rainbow and more

shone brightly, blinked often and settled the score.

but as you’d expect at this fest of great love

the darkness remaining was colored in hugs.

the color was new, and at first felt quite different

to the blackness, so used to the much darker pigment.

but soon it embraced the parts of its whole

and realized each color played into his soul.

violet and indigo confronted him first

flowers and lollies in sporadic bursts

then tacos and slushies and grapes and then wine

the purples danced wildly in a splendor divine.

then blue came in cool, and softened the mood.

brazenly popular, each shade would intrude

without but a thought that it might not be wanted

blue’s essence was calming without need to be flaunted.

looked fate in the eye, winked slyly then grinned

and faded to aqua as green started to win.

the sky’s blue fell behind the canopy of beauty

that grew from the branches of the tree limbs of duty

the green seemed to radiate…..it glowed as it grew

green so magnificent as radiance shown through

from the dark came the light

from dark green came the bright

ode to cannibas’ sight

ode to nature and life.

a special ode to green.

so much good is in green.

the earth finally rested and then it gave in

to the power of the sun as yellow crept in

in maize, and in golden the yellow screamed loud

its presence intense to the onlooking crowd.

however, flash is its nature.

soon it was gone

replaced by a hew of orange in the lawn.

the fire was free.

vivid and intense.

ever present.

the fire glowed brightly.

orange in every shade came alive and danced in the shadows.

orange refused to consent.

refused to obey.

would not come.

but it glowed so brightly in its own magnificence

until the flames became coals and spread

to form a blanket…..

a big, fuzzy, fluffy, soft blanket of red.

at once i was sitting in front of the tree.

watching christmas with the whole family.

while i rested in a womb of pure comfort and bliss

paralyzed in the moment

by life’s little kiss.

and then the glow of the coals spread to the night’s dawn

and spread through the texas sky

infiltrating the hearts and minds of all it encountered

dying their psyches red

the color of love

in permanent ink

the 4th dimension manifested itself

love grew….

life is…..

and it was good.

Friends,

in that moment black felt beautiful.

because it knew beauty existed within.

beauty created it.

beauty was it.

and it was beauty.

just like you and me.

I like

I like Blake griffin, even if he went to OU.
I like Andre from outkast.
Big boi, too.
I like Jane’s addiction.
I like blue.

I like working autonomously.
I like need time alone.
I really like an afternoon for myself.
I like being the coach.
I like helping kids.
I like to win.
I like to see kids improve.

I like women’s bodies.
Beautiful.

I like carnitas and good tortilla soup.
I like good coffee.

I like driving home from work.
I like sleeping in.
I like not having plans.
I like just chillin w my family.

I like Texas barbecue.
I like humans. The diversity. The beauty. The collective love.

I like tattoos.
I like Korean barbecue.
I like living in the same place for more than ten years.
I like feeling accomplished.

I like speaking my mind.
I like life.
I probably like you.

Goodnight.

stress

the walls are close when i awake

inches from where i am at all times

constantly there

i’m always aware of the walls.

i drink wine and sometimes it relaxes me.

sometimes it doesn’t.

sometimes i can’t relax.

there’s so much to do.

so

fucking

much

to do.

i can do it.

i always do.

 

i’m exhausted.

 

i’m focused from 9 to 6 but i can’t unfocus.

 

exercise helps.

i love to exercise.

 

and opportunity is good.

so they say.

 

but i can’t let go.

i’m driving too hard.

too fast

too often.

 

i need sleep.

rest.

peace.

relaxation.

 

zen, come find me please.

 

the toad abides