i honestly don’t know how long it’s been. so much has happened. a lot has changed. not my writing style, i suppose as i continue to type in short phrases similar to how i speak.
i don’t think i had it in me to share what i’ve just experienced. not in the moment. in retrospect, it should make for some very enlightening words on paper but for the past six months, i’ve really just tried to hang on.
i’m glad i did.
i’ve learned so much about myself over the past many months and days. i’ve become a better me. i’ve realized that much of what i thought about myself was merely a pretense to help me cope. i am better than that. sketchy is not how i prefer to define me. there is honor and love and loyalty and a foundation that exists beneath my feet that i failed to acknowledge for far too long. i excused my behavior for the wrong reasons, citing my spirit instead of my pain. i’ve done some things that i’m not proud of. but those things don’t define me. they define a part of me. a piece of me that reacts to the troubling parts of life with reckless abandon in order to cope….to accept life and its many curve balls….a weakness, if i’m totally honest.
i’m a lot of things that i’ll confess and analyze in the days/months/years to come, but not tonight. tonight is dedicated to coming back. i’ve wanted to write but i couldn’t. i didn’t know what to write. i haven’t been sure of what i was.
i’ve gone deep exploring who i am, what i want, how do i/should i/could i roll…..and i’ve landed.
i’m the guy you know. i’m everything i’ve typed. but i don’t accept that i’ll always be all of those things. some of me is self-destructive. some of me destroys things important to me. destroys period.
i don’t want to be destructive.
i want to contribute. and help. i want to spread love and joy and the good vibe.
and going forward, that will be my effort here. i won’t avoid pain. i’ll forever be honest. but my goal, which i will fail to accomplish at times, will be to take the negative and spin it for good.
we all have a choice. i choose to be good. i want to be proud of the man i am. i am proud of the man i am. but i’m not proud of everything that i’ve done. hopefully, as i continue to live, i’ll be proud of more and expect more of me.
i missed the keyboard. i missed you.
i hope you’re well.
the toad abides